There is Always HOPE! Right?!

© Jack Hollow

There is Always Hope © Jack Hollow Photography

 

My heart is aching right now… I am just trying to hold on to hope. The hope that this little girl will catch her heart…and the hope that mine will mend.

 

I feel so lost in this world. I lack understanding of why some things have happened and why some things don’t happen.

Why do some people think they have the right to hurt others? Do they think they’re better or more worthy than others?!

 

I didn’t remember the abuse for six years…not a single bit of it. The professionals say this was a coping mechanism. That my mind wanted to make sure I was safe enough before devulging this important information to me. Sounds kind of weird…and sometimes I feel this information should have been made available to me sooner…but at the same time I wish I’d never found out.

When I was in my early to mid years at school, we started to have “sex education” classes. I would come out of those classes and not remember a single word spoken by the teacher. I didn’t know why this was, but things like this happened a lot in my childhood (and now) – losing time. Later I found out this was called Dissociating.

I spent a lot of my childhood taking care of my younger brother. Not because my parents were not capable (they were and are great parents), but because there were things that even they couldn’t protect us from. I wasn’t always physically protecting him, but sometimes mentally and emotionally too. Our eldest brother used to be physically & emotionally abusive towards another brother (there are 4 brothers). At times I had to hide in cupboards or run to a neighbours house with my younger brother.

Sometimes I question why I never told anyone about the sexual abuse while it was happening. I guess the physical threat of my younger brother’s life would have been enough of a reason, but I think there were other reasons also.
Mostly I think my reasons were about protection – of myself & family. I was threatened with a knife by my abuser…he cut me on the hip and threatened to “do it to him too“. I knew he didn’t mean the knife, but rather the other things he had done to me. I had almost died when he held me under the water…while he laughed. I didn’t want my baby brother to die or to experience what I had.

Two years ago, my younger brother wrote me a letter. In it he wrote “you have looked after me for years, now it’s my turn to look after you”. I never knew he even realised how much I had actually done to look after him. I love my brother so much.

I’ve come so far.
And there’s my hope

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning How To Live…

Tell the negative committee that meets in your head to sit down and shut up!

I have come a long way since my last stay in a Psychiatric Hospital in 2012. I was discharged in September, after a 7 month admission – still in a fragile state, but not suicidal like I had been. I went on a trip interstate to visit my sister less than a week after leaving hospital. I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not at the time and when I got home, I did go downhill a little bit. While I was away, I had to be OK for the sake of my sister and nephews.

Since I got home, it’s been like I have so little motivation and energy. Everything feels like such an effort and I’ve even self harmed a couple of times. I keep wondering why I still feel this way 3 months later. I don’t think I’m depressed…actually, I think things are going quite well there. I’m just so tired all of the time (I think this may be due to one of my medications, which my Psychiatrist and I are currently reducing).

There has been some progress in my therapy over the past 6 or so months.

I’ve actually started talking more to my psychologist…not just about the past, but about day to day things that are bothering me. We don’t seem to go off track as much as we used to, and I like that.

A major development in my therapy took place after I was given homework by my psychologist. I was to write a letter to my abusers, expressing my anger towards them. I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to do this, because I didn’t actually feel anger towards them,  but on 24th November 2012 I did it and I’m so pleased I did.

I found it really difficult to write at first, but after a while I was writing without thinking about it.  When I had stopped writing, I suddenly realised that all of this hatred and loathing I had written to the abusers, was exactly what I used to say to myself! The anger and loathing was (for the first time) directed at them and not me! It was a most elightening experience.

Although I’ve had some major breakthroughs in the past 6 months, I still find that my thoughts revert back to negativity and self-destruction, a lot of the time. I’m still not entirely sure why this is, but my psychologist says that because I’ve been unwell for so long my automatic head talk is still negative. Now to set about changing this. The suggestion from my psychologist is to create good, positive, healthy life experiences and hopefully this will change the negative head talk into something more positive. I’ve been trying to do this…it’s easier said than done.

Why is learning how to live so difficult?

 

 

 

 

 

New Years Resolutions…

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars

It doesn’t really work for everyone, as some people can’t handle only the stars…they want the whole universe!
In the past few days I’ve said many times that I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions. Not because I don’t want to challenge or set goals for myself, but because I don’t want to crash if I don’t achieve them all!

I don’t believe in the word “failure” anymore. You see, there is something to be gained from everything…
I used to think going into hospital was a failure on my part. I thought this right up until this year actually… Seven months in hospital and I learned so much that I could never consider it to be a failure.
You can’t fail at life!
At times it may feel like life fails you, but they are just blips on the journey. Life really has so much to offer – no matter what your background.

It sometimes amazes me how people who would be considered socially less fortunate than myself, appear to be so happy. I think they have embraced life for what it is! And instead of complaining about every little heartache – they make the most of what they’ve got, when they’ve got it.

I do have some goals for the New Year:

  • Use 2013 as a gap year, to rediscover myself!
  • Get back into teaching dance
  • Work for my Dad & Brother
  • Improve my physical health and fitness.
  • Keep working hard in therapy
  • Reduce some medication
  • Embrace life!

What are your goals for 2013?