Learning How To Live…

Tell the negative committee that meets in your head to sit down and shut up!

I have come a long way since my last stay in a Psychiatric Hospital in 2012. I was discharged in September, after a 7 month admission – still in a fragile state, but not suicidal like I had been. I went on a trip interstate to visit my sister less than a week after leaving hospital. I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not at the time and when I got home, I did go downhill a little bit. While I was away, I had to be OK for the sake of my sister and nephews.

Since I got home, it’s been like I have so little motivation and energy. Everything feels like such an effort and I’ve even self harmed a couple of times. I keep wondering why I still feel this way 3 months later. I don’t think I’m depressed…actually, I think things are going quite well there. I’m just so tired all of the time (I think this may be due to one of my medications, which my Psychiatrist and I are currently reducing).

There has been some progress in my therapy over the past 6 or so months.

I’ve actually started talking more to my psychologist…not just about the past, but about day to day things that are bothering me. We don’t seem to go off track as much as we used to, and I like that.

A major development in my therapy took place after I was given homework by my psychologist. I was to write a letter to my abusers, expressing my anger towards them. I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to do this, because I didn’t actually feel anger towards them,  but on 24th November 2012 I did it and I’m so pleased I did.

I found it really difficult to write at first, but after a while I was writing without thinking about it.  When I had stopped writing, I suddenly realised that all of this hatred and loathing I had written to the abusers, was exactly what I used to say to myself! The anger and loathing was (for the first time) directed at them and not me! It was a most elightening experience.

Although I’ve had some major breakthroughs in the past 6 months, I still find that my thoughts revert back to negativity and self-destruction, a lot of the time. I’m still not entirely sure why this is, but my psychologist says that because I’ve been unwell for so long my automatic head talk is still negative. Now to set about changing this. The suggestion from my psychologist is to create good, positive, healthy life experiences and hopefully this will change the negative head talk into something more positive. I’ve been trying to do this…it’s easier said than done.

Why is learning how to live so difficult?







5 thoughts on “Learning How To Live…

  1. We were never taught to live, we were taught to survive. What kind of therapy do you do? Somatic experiencing was life changing for me. Now I’m with a therapist who does EMDR, only because of a move, it’s also life changing but intense and painful to deal with.

    • Molly says:

      I’ve not had experience with Somatic Experiencing. I have done EMDR, talk therapy, DBT, CBT…and that’s all I can think of at the moment. I’ve also had ECT and am on medication.

      I guess my breakthroughs haven’t really been in therapy, as much as “”in my own head”. My main breakthroughs have been discovering what was always there, but not known consciously – and this hasn’t really been through therapy…more piecing together the puzzle as I was ready to know more.

      • wow sounds like you’ve done a lot of work! good for you for having some breakthroughs on your own!!

        Somatic experiencing was the first therapy that ever helped me. I could hardly leave my home before it, now i can with almost no panic!!

      • Molly says:

        I’m so pleased the Somatic Experiencing helped you so profoundly. Well done 🙂

  2. Fiona says:

    You have come a long way. I think it’s extremely overwhelming when we go home from hospital especially when it’s been a long admission, it’s like the world went on without us and it’s so overwhelming.
    That is a really significant breakthrough. It sounds like you have been taught to direct it at yourself – so that’s the way your brain will work as a ‘norm’ – automatically assume you are the ‘bad’ person, or that things were your fault, or that you deserved it etc. Being able to direct that anger where it belongs is huge, a huge step in the right direction.
    I agree, we were never taught to live. Even though my mother had us slaving away at the chores and housework, I have found myself completely ignorant on how to even do the basics to live, to care for myself, protect myself, etc… to just get through life. It makes life seem scary and insurmountable. But we can learn – and we are learning, bit by bit. Just remember, it’s pretty much impossible to fail life!!!
    Hugs to you – keep on fighting. xxx

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