The start of a New Year, The start of a Blog!

Happy New Year!!! Here’s to the start of a new blog!

My dog, Rosie, didn’t like the loud noise from the fireworks much – nor did the other dogs in the neighbourhood…I could have sworn I was at a dog pound, with all the barking!

I had a few (alcoholic) drinks tonight. I’m not a drinker usually, so I hope what I’m writing is legible! I mostly don’t drink because I am on so much medication and I find it just makes me sleepy most of the time.

I guess I should start by telling you a bit about myself…

I am 28 years old and I come from a very big and loving family – I think if any of them read this blog, they might encounter a few surprises! I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD & Schizoaffective Disorder and in therapy with the same psychologist since I was 16. I can tell you it’s been a long and rugged road I’ve traveled thus far with her! I also see a psychiatrist, who I’ve been seeing since about 2005/6.

2012 was one of my most difficult, yet most enlightening years. I spent 7 months as an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, which you may think would make this year a right-off, but it wasn’t! I learned SO much about where I came from and what brought me to this point. I learned that after every hurdle, there is soft grass to land on – my family and friends are that soft grass, as is the life I am building for myself. I learned that life is too precious and beautiful for me to feel negatively towards those who no longer exist in my present. I learned that “bad” events in life do not define who I am. I learned that a lot of my emotions are “misdirected” upon myself, instead of those who deserve it.

I’m going to share a little about my past below:

I was abused sexually from the age of about 5 to 9. Thankfully, it was not anyone in my family who perpetrated this abuse. I “repressed” the memories of the abuse until I was about 14. For a long time I couldn’t remember who my abusers were (I always knew there were two) and this really concerned me because I thought it may be someone in the family, but now – it’s crystal clear who they were and I really couldn’t give a toss about them.

Looking back, I showed some classic signs of a child who had been abused.

  • I played inappropriate games with dolls…right up until I was 14.
  • I was easily shamed.
  • Was overly sensitive at times – especially with my older brother (whose ex-friends were the perpetrators).
  • I dissociate/d a lot.
  • People pleaser – especially with authority figures.

If only life could be a bed of roses though, right? But sometimes it’s a bed of thorns. Life can be hard, but I’m just beginning to see it can be worthwhile too…

There’s so much I want to say, but it’s 3:30am…time for bed.

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2 thoughts on “The start of a New Year, The start of a Blog!

  1. Fiona says:

    You have come a long way. Hindsight is so clear, isn’t it? I can see the same sort of things for myself, like dissociating from a young age all the time, feeling dirty, definitely was a people pleaser. etc.
    But I think there are definitely silver linings. I think we learn so much, and are so blessed through the people we might meet coming this journey, and we gain an appreciation for life and more that we never otherwise would have had.. I think overall we end up having a more intense experience – we might have lower lows, but because of that we have higher highs too.
    Looking forward to reading more. Happy new year.
    Shalimar totally hides from the fireworks!! 🙂 xx

  2. Molly says:

    Thanks Fiona. Yes, hindsight is so clear!

    When I was about ages 10-14, I used to watch home movies of me as a child. I guess I was trying to convince myself I was a ‘happy’ child like everyone said, that everything was ok, that the irking feeling I had about my childhood was not correct. But there were so many signs even in those short snippets of film! (which I didn’t realise until later) Especially surrounding my relationship with my brother (the one whose friends were my abusers).

    You are right about being blessed by the people we meet on this journey – YOU included!

    Take care xx

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